Shampoo trivia

In my shower I have a bottle of Herbal Essences shampoo that has been giving me some trouble. On this bottle is a trivia question, the answer to which can be found on a bottle of conditioner of the same brand. The problem is that I don't use fancyboy conditioner. You see, I am a man made of muscle and brawn and my hair is tough like a Brillo pad, but I digress. Anyway I have been staring at this shampoo bottle every morning for months and trying to guess the answer and it finally drove me so nuts that I had to seek out the conditioner bottle at my local Target.

In order to save everyone from the same cruel and ridiculous fate, I have compiled a definitive list of these trivia questions and their answers. Enjoy.



Q: How long is the longest hair ever recorded?
A: 18 feet, 5.5 inches.

Q: How long is the longest kiss ever recorded?
A: 31 hours, 30 minutes.

Q: What is the largest cut diamond in the world?
A: The star of Africa - 530 carats.

Q: How long can it take an oyster to make a pearl?
A: 6 years.

Q: What percent of US women are born blonde?
A: 16%.

Q: On average, what does a blond have more than a brunette?
A: Hair on her head.

Q: On average, how many bubbles are in a bottle of champagne?
A: 58 million.

Q: What do 15% of women do on Valentine’s Day?
A: Send themselves flowers.

Q: What percent of men buy flowers on Valentine’s Day?
A: 73%.

Q: On average, how many couples get married in Las Vegas each day?
A: Over 300.

Q: On average, who do you talk to more than anyone else?
A: Yourself.

Q: In England in the 1880’s what was considered a dirty word?
A: Pants.

Q: What percent of women wear the wrong bra size?
A: More than 60%.

Q: What do almost half of women admit to doing to their significant other?
A: Throwing a shoe at him.

Q: What is the most popular sport played in nudist colonies?
A: Volleyball.

Q: What gem is thought to improve your love life?
A: Diamonds.

Q: How much are the world’s most expensive shoes worth?
A: Over 2 million dollars.

Q: How long does the average dream last?
A: 3 seconds.

Q: 33% of women have lied about what?
A: Their weight.

Q: How long do the majority of brides plan their wedding?
A: 7 to 12 months.

Q: What is the average number of bridesmaids at a wedding?
A: 4 bridesmaids.

Q: Two of five people end up marrying whom?
A: Their first love.

Q: Where do 27% of women hide a winning lottery ticket?
A: In their bra.

Q: On average, how much of your life is spent kissing?
A: Two weeks.

Q: On average, how many times does a woman touch another person per day?
A: 12 touches.

Q: What helps servers get a larger tip?
A: Touching a hand or shoulder.

Great quotes from president Obama

As many of you know, Barack Obama wrote a memoir entitled Dreams from My Father before he became president. (I personally think that his next book should be more focused on his mother and should be titled: Obama Mama Drama, but that is beside the point.) The reason I am bringing up Obama's memoir is that he read the text aloud for the audiobook version and it contains some fantastically funny lines.

Click here to listen to Obama tell it like it is.

BBQ tip

By comparing a steak’s tenderness to the soft part of your thumb as you touch each finger to the tip of your thumb, you can tell how done it is.


Source: Maxim Magazine

I'm losing it

Last night in class I was so delirious that I think I may have made a bad impression. During a peer presentation project I was asked to compose a brief biography on a man named John Bidwell. I shared my finished product with my group and they were not impressed. Apparently, while Bidwell was born in 1819 and did run for governor of California in 1880, he did not “eat two extra large Domino’s pizzas at one sitting on a dare,” nor did he “invent the iPod” as I so vehemently claimed.

Only 9 days left to go in my horrible teaching credential program. Wish me luck!

Not cool

Toilet snake attack: urban legend comes true?
Reuters (article excerpt) - May 11, 2009

A Taiwanese man became a sitting target for a snake, which bit his penis as sat on the toilet at his rural home, local media reported on Monday.

"As soon as he sat down, he suddenly felt a knife-like pain and reacted instinctively by standing up," the China Times said. "When he looked down, he saw the big snake."

The 51-year-old man, from Nantou County, was under medical care with minor injuries, a director at Puli Christian Hospital said.

Local television images showed the black and yellow reptile, reportedly a species of rat snake, being uncoiled and plucked slowly from the toilet bowl.

Knock knock joke

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

9/11.

9/11 who?

You said you'd never forget!

Babies Backwards “R” Us

Last month I went to Babies "R" Us to shop for a baby shower gift with my wife. I have always been curious about this store because of what its name implies. Toys "R" Us sells toys so I’ve always assumed that Babies "R" Us would be chock full of women racing around, filling their shopping carts with economically priced newborns (buy one get one half off!).

After visiting the store I am sad to report that I was wrong. Not only were there no toddlers for sale, but a lot of the stuff they were selling was absolutely ridiculous. The products that stood out as the most absurd were the shoes designed for newborns. You heard right, shoes for babies that cannot yet walk. Check these bad boys out:


Guess Infant Navy Hi Top With G Insignia
Price: $29.99 - Recommended Age: Birth to 3 months

Perfect for when your lil' thug gets caught slippin' and has to sprint away from da cops!

I got dict on my test

While reviewing case studies for the RICA (a teacher qualifying exam) I ran across the following instructional strategy:



Yeah, I think I'll pass on giving that lesson. . . .

Cool label, good beer (#2)

Another quick joke

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Wanna go ride bikes?

Peggle can make you crazy

I thought this only happened in movies

Man bites python
Reuters - April 15, 2009

A Kenyan man bit a python who wrapped him in its coils and hauled him up a tree in a struggle that lasted hours, local media said Wednesday.

Farm manager Ben Nyaumbe was working at the weekend when the serpent, apparently hunting for livestock, struck in the Malindi area of Kenya's Indian Ocean coast.

"I stepped on a spongy thing on the ground and suddenly my leg was entangled with the body of a huge python," he told the Daily Nation newspaper.

When the snake coiled itself round his upper body, Nyaumbe resorted to desperate measures: "I had to bite it."

The python dragged him up a tree, but when it eased its grip, Nyaumbe said he was able to take a mobile phone out of his pocket and phone for help.

When his supervisor came with a policeman, Nyaumbe smothered the snake's head with his shirt, while the rescuers tied it with a rope and pulled.

"We both came down, landing with a thud," said Nyaumbe, who survived with damaged lips and bruising.

The snake escaped from the three sacks it was bundled into.

Gastropod joke

A guy hears a knock at his door. When he answers it, there’s nobody there, but there’s a snail on the welcome mat. Frustrated, the guy picks up the snail and hurls it into the street.

Five years go by, and there’s another knock at the door. The man answers it, and again there’s no one standing there, but there’s a snail on the welcome mat.

The snail looks up and says, “What the hell was that all about?”

Quick and crazy facts

FACT: Dr. Seuss wrote Green Eggs and Ham after his editor bet him $50 that he couldn't write a book using fifty different words or less. Dr. Seuss won the bet (the story contains fifty different words).
SOURCE: Snopes.com

FACT: Singer Sheryl Crow was born Bertha Hogswater. She changed her name shortly after graduating high school.
SOURCE: The Biography Channel

FACT: The number of drunk people in the world at any given moment is estimated at 46,948,952.
SOURCE: Maxim Magazine

Top 5 nicknames (+ worst ever)

1. T-Bone
2. Slim
3. Chief
4. Slick
5. Hoss

Worst: Sport

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Update: John Mayer is still a tool

I have been keeping close tabs on the situation and I am happy to report that John Mayer is still trying to be a modern day Confucius. Check out some of his latest musings on Twitter:

The reason I do not own a bow

Minn. man charged after playing 'Rambo' with bow
Associated Press (article excerpt) - April 9, 2009

A man was charged with a felony after prosecutors alleged he tried to impress a woman by firing arrows at his neighbors' homes with a powerful bow. Police found arrows in the siding of townhomes in the man's complex on Saturday. Another arrow went through a patio door, shattering the glass.

The charges allege the 30-year-old man was "extremely intoxicated" when questioned by police. So was his female friend.

She allegedly told investigators that they had been drinking all night before the man grabbed his bow and walked onto the deck. She thought he wanted to "play Rambo."

Finally, some instructions!

Doctor joke

A woman is in her doctor's office when suddenly she whispers, "Doctor, kiss me!"

The Doctor looks at her and says, “No, that is totally out of the question."

A few minutes later the woman again says, "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!" The doctor responds, "I’m sorry but it would be totally unethical to kiss you. In fact, we probably shouldn’t even be having sex right now.”

Cool label, good beer

Cool label, crap beer

Twitter

Recently I have been hearing a lot about "Twitter," a micro-blogging site where people obsessively report their every little action. I checked it out and found that the service is basically for self-important egomaniacs who think everyone wants to hear about every time they eat a burrito. So, naturally I signed up for an account.

The first update I got was from John Mayer. He thinks he's super profound but he's about as deep as a kiddie pool. Check out his latest musings:



What a toolbox. If you are interested in stalking me, visit http://twitter.com/ryandangersims.

Does American Greetings know something we don't?

Employee of the month

Police: Woman drugs boss's coffee so he'll 'chill'
Associated Press (article excerpt) - March 13, 2009

Police said a woman has been arrested for allegedly slipping some tranquilizers into her boss's coffee because she felt "he needed to chill out." Police said the 24-year-old woman admitted to detectives that she slipped the drugs into veteranarian John Duckett's drink. Officers said Duckett knew something was wrong shortly after drinking some of the coffee Tuesday morning.

Top 5 coolest celebrities

1. Harrison Ford (1977)
2. Neil Patrick Harris
3. Paul Rudd
4. Tina Fey
5. Stephen Colbert

Cold as ice: Chris Dane Owens

Thank you to everyone that contributed. Who knew there were so many cool celebrities out there?

Top 5 coolest celebrities (in progress)

Okay people, I need your help. Please submit the names of people you consider to be the "coolest celebrities" by clicking the "comments" link below. I will review the submissions and use them to compile my "top 5" list. Man, I am using a lot of "quotations" in this "post."

Before you submit, please observe the following rules:

1) You can post as many or as few times as you like but I need at least 5 different people to post before I publish the list.

2) If anyone submits Shia LaBeouf as a candidate, they will be automatically disqualified.

Now giddy up and start posting!

Guns for Gaga

I have an extremely high tolerance for crappy pop music. That being said, there is a new song on the radio that is so vile, so gut-wrenchingly stupid, that I feel I must write to warn everyone about it. The musical abomination I am speaking of is “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga.

I am not going to provide a link to this song because I do not want to promote it further than I already am. I know that this may seem ridiculous because by writing about the song I have no doubt piqued your interest. In fact, I would bet dollars to doughnuts that the next thing you do on the intraweb will be to search for this horrible song. You inquisitive bastards!

My favorite line in this craptacular masterpiece is not “I'm just stunnin' with my love-glue-gunning” as some of you may have guessed. No, the line I am speaking of is “Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun.”

Okay, so I never played Russian Roulette but I am pretty sure you need a firearm. This is kind of like saying “Monopoly is not the same without a game board.” I am left to imagine Gaga and her friends sitting around, tossing bullets at their heads in frustration.

The whole thing has inspired me to start a fundraiser with the goal of buying Lady Gaga and her friends a revolver. I’m calling it “Guns for Gaga” and I am sure that it will make the world a better place for all.



Please send money soon! I fear that Gaga may resort to playing Russian Roulette with her “love-glue-gun” and who knows what kind of chaos would result from that.

Australians are badass

Kangaroo intruder terrorizes Aussie sleeping family
Reuters (article excerpt) - March 9, 2009

An Australian couple thought they were being attacked by an intruder when a kangaroo crashed through their bedroom window and started jumping on them.

"My initial thought, when I was half awake, was it's a lunatic ninja coming through the window. It seems about as likely as a kangaroo breaking in," Beat Ettlin told local media on Monday.

The three metre (9 feet) kangaroo smashed through the window in Ettlin's Canberra home on Sunday night.

While Ettlin and his wife and young daughter took refuge under the blankets, the injured kangaroo jumped on top of them, gouging holes in the furniture.

The next thing Ettlin heard was his 10-year-old son Leighton screaming from his bed: "There's a 'roo in my room!'"

Ettlin, a 42-year-old chef, wrestled the bleeding kangaroo, got it into a headlock and dragged it out the front door. The kangaroo disappeared into bushes.

Top 5 most annoying celebrities

1. Paris Hilton (a predictable choice, but still true)
2. Dr. Phil
3. Adrian Brody
4. Bono
5. Whoopi Goldberg

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Caption contest #2

I got this photo out of People en Español (my new favorite magazine):



Since the original caption is in Spanish I converted it to English by running the text through the online language translator Babel Fish. I converted it from Spanish to English, and then double-checked it by converting the English to Japanese, and then translated it back into English. Apparently the caption reads:

"New urine a little just? A.B. As for QUINTANILLA in young promise in estrellato lassoing, him him the future of many NO for the singer of this sort which is given and that fianc2ee Elizabeth of Miami and amicable it is us to thing something which is not in [serenade]."

Now that that's cleared up, it's time for you to write your own. Go ahead and submit your caption for the photo now by clicking on the "comments" link below!

Super cool!

Last week my wife and I went to a improv comedy show in LA. The act featured a few big names including Michael McDonald from Madtv and Saturday Night Live's newest cast member Michaela Watkins. We got to meet Michaela and she was really nice!

Top 5 cocktails (+ worst ever)

1. Chi-Chi
2. Old Fashioned
3. Dry Martini
4. Straight Tequila
5. Salty Dog

Worst: Buffalo Sweat (shooter)

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Pay it backward

Today I helped a woman who was stranded in the middle of a highway off-ramp. I pushed her car up a huge hill and almost passed out from the strain. When I finished, she stopped her car and didn't even look up to thank me. This may sound incredible to you but it didn't surprise me at all. Believe it or not, this is the third stranger's car I have pushed in the last six months. Each time I pushed the car while the person sat in the driver's seat. Each time the person did not thank me. What kind of crazy sense of entitlement does someone have to have to let a complete stranger push their car and not even have the decency to say “thank you”?! This got me thinking about "paying it backwards."

Remember that corny-ass movie with Haley Joel Osment called Pay It Forward? For those that haven't seen it, the main character (Osment) comes up with a plan to "pay it forward" by doing a good deed for three people who must in turn each do good deeds for three other people, and on and on until the end of eternity. SPOILER ALERT: At the end of the movie Osment gets shanked in the stomach and dies a painful death. I guess that's what you get for being a good person.

So if I responded to that thankless beyotch by doing a bad deed (like pushing her car into a ditch) would that mean I am "paying it backwards" or would that mean I am "paying forward" a bad deed? I guess "paying it backwards" would involve responding to a good deed by performing a bad one, or responding to a bad deed by performing a good one, so technically I would be "paying it forward" in a bad way. Wait. What?

I think I need more sleep. . . .

¡Fantástico!

While browsing through a recent issue of People en Español, I stumbled upon a preview of their upcoming "50 Most-o Beautiful-ee-see-mo People-o" (that's "50 Most Beautiful People" to all you non-Spanish speakers). The magazine had a spread showing some nominees, including the handsome devil on the bottom right of this photo:

I'm casting my vote for this guy:

He's so manly that my sissy-ass scanner actually broke while digitizing this image (I'm not joking). I found his photo on a different page of the magazine and I'm not even sure he's nominated, but I think he should win based on the mustache alone.

Pretend poop balls

Last month the kindergarten class I'm observing had a special guest speaker. The visitor was from the local utility company and was there to teach the children about water and storm drains. She brought along an assortment of props, including "pretend poop balls" (her words, not mine). A few minutes into her presentation it became apparent that she was a little crazy.

After sharing a story of a woman that caught her hair on fire on America's Funniest Home Videos, she suggested that it is okay for the children to eat dirt. My favorite part of the discussion was when the speaker gave convoluted instructions which suggested that the kids go home and fill their parent's measuring cups with fertilizer. I had to cover my mouth to keep from laughing out loud.

Top 5 sports to watch (+ worst ever)

1. Football
2. Baseball (live, not on TV)
3. World's Strongest Man competition
4. Curling
5. Tennis

Worst: Long distance running

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Top 5 sports to play (+ worst ever)

1. Snowboarding
2. Bodyboarding
3. Volleyball
4. Skateboarding
5. Bocce

Worst: Long distance running

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

My video game collection (updated)

I posted a photo of my game collection a couple of years ago and thought I should
update it. Click the image to get a closer look.

I also have the following games downloaded onto my Wii and Xbox 360: Contra III:
The Alien Wars, Dr. Mario Online Rx, Frogger, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of
Time, Mario Kart 64, Pac-Man, Portal: Still Alive, SimCity, Street Fighter II Turbo,
Street Fighter II: The World Warrior, Super Mario Bros., Super Mario World, Super
Puzzle Fighter II Turbo HD Remix, and Vegas Stakes.

Laundry room rants

1. Can anyone tell me just what exactly I'm supposed to do when I drop a sock on the laundry room floor while transferring it from the washing machine to the dryer? I can't put it in the dryer because its been on the dirty floor, I can't put it back in my laundry basket because its still wet (and probably covered with some stranger's stray hair), and I can't wash it because I refuse to pay another $1.50 to launder one damn sock. I know that some of you sickos are going to say that I should just throw it in the dryer. Well, I have OCD (and I am not a filthy animal) so for me that isn't an option.

2. There's nothing worse than arriving in the laundry room to find some freak rifling through your delicates. I have had confrontations with at least three individuals in my apartment complex because I found them piling my clothes onto the laundry room table. I set an alarm to make sure I move my stuff on time but if I'm not there within a minute of the washer or dryer being done there is sure to be some a-hole waiting in the wings to get their grubby hands on my unmentionables.

3. Who are these cavemen who can't/won't empty the dryer's lint trap when they're finished using it? We are trying to live in a society here people!

On a serious note, I found a troublesome flier on my laundry room wall. I hope the poor pirate finds his pooch. . . .

A wonderful poem

"Perfection Wasted"

And another regrettable thing about death
is the ceasing of your own brand of magic,
which took a whole life to develop and market --
the quips, the witticisms, the slant
adjusted to a few, those loved ones nearest
the lip of the stage, their soft faces blanched
in the footlight glow, their laughter close to tears,
their tears confused with their diamond earrings,
their warm pooled breath in and out with your heartbeat,
their response and your performance twinned.
The jokes over the phone. The memories
packed in the rapid-access file. The whole act.
Who will do it again? That's it: no one;
imitators and descendants aren't the same.

-- John Updike

I'm moving to Peru

Peru's top court says drunk workers can't be fired
Reuters (article excerpt) - January 15, 2009

Peru's top court has ruled that workers cannot be fired for being drunk on the job, a decision that was criticized by the government on Wednesday for setting a dangerous precedent.

The Constitutional Tribunal ordered that Pablo Cayo be given his job back as a janitor for the municipality of Chorrillos, which fired him for being intoxicated at work.

The firing was excessive because even though Cayo was drunk, he did not offend or hurt anybody, Fernando Calle, one of the justices, said on Wednesday.

Calle said the court would not revise its decision, despite complaints from the government.

Top 5 types of doughnuts (+ worst ever)

1. Strawberry Frosted
2. Glazed Old Fashioned
3. Glazed Jelly Filled
4. Glazed Twist Bar
5. Chocolate Frosted Bar

Worst: Anything with coconut shavings on top

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Free rice

Check this out! A (performance adaptive) vocabulary quiz that donates rice to the UN World Food Program every time you get a correct answer.

My “master teacher” is a fascist

As a part of my teaching credential program I am assigned to a “master teacher” who is supposed coach me in the art of teaching. I attend this person’s elementary school class every day for 10 weeks to observe and eventually teach. Unfortunately, I have been charged to study under a horrible devil-woman that runs her kindergarten class like a concentration camp.

The children in the classroom are forced to spend the majority of their day sitting on the floor inside of taped off 18” x 18” squares. They are told to face forward with their legs crossed, hands in their laps. They are not supposed to talk or giggle and under no circumstances are they ever to make any type of physical contact with the students sitting in adjacent squares.

Unfortunately since the squares are barely large enough to contain their bodies, boundaries are often crossed. When this happens the teacher scolds the children by saying, “Oh my guh-nessss” (with a hissing sound at the end, like an evil snake-beast). She then takes away their recess.

It’s no wonder she hides the scissors – the suicide rate in her class would be off the charts.

The "Cruzin Cooler"

Check this out. For $399 you can get a cooler/electric scooter hybrid that goes up to 13 miles per hour. The best part is the "drink lid access" which allows you to reach in and grab a beer while driving the scooter. Brilliant! I know that I would look like a complete idiot riding on the thing, but I still want one.

Scottish joke

An old Scotsman is sitting with a younger Scottish gentleman and says to the boy, "Ah, lad, look out that window. You see that stone wall there? I built it with me own bare hands, placed every stone meself. But do they call me MacGregor the wall builder? No!"

He takes a few sips of his beer then says, "Aye, and look out on that lake and eye that beautiful pier. I built it meself, laid every board and hammered each nail, but do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? No!"

He continues: "And lad, you see that road? That too I build with me own bare hands. Laid every inch of pavement meself, but do they call MacGregor the road builder? No!"

Again he returns to his beer for a few sips, and then says, "Agh, but you screw one sheep. . . ."

A great quote

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." - Ernest Hemingway

Email forward rant

While I am against all forms of email forwards there are a few types in particular that really get my goat.

1. Feelgood Forwards - Check out these photos of cute, cuddly kittens and enjoy some inspirational quotes. Now, send this to 20 people or you will die a horrible death.

2. Opinion Forwards - Looking for a quick way to destroy a perfectly good relationship? Simply send the person a forward expressing your political views and/or religious ideology. If this doesn't work you can always try sending along some sexist or racist jokes.

3. Mean Forwards - Listen up people because I'm only gonna say this once: It is not cool to make fun of people that are overweight. It wasn't funny in second grade and it isn't funny now, so stop circulating photos of large people in small swimsuits. I am pretty sure that these people get enough shit in their everyday lives and don't need to be mocked via email.

4. Friendly Forwards - The best way to tell someone that you value their friendship is to send them a long, rambling story about an inspiring teacher or a dying child's last wish. Especially if it is written by someone you never met and you suspect it to be fictitious. It also should be noted that sending these forwards does not count as "keeping in touch."

Tiny meth heads

I started my student teaching assignment this week in a Kindergarten class. After observing the six-year-olds in action I have come to a disturbing conclusion: Kindergartners are like tiny meth heads. Think about it. They're filthy, they're missing teeth, they have an overwhelming amount of energy and you can't understand half of what they say.

Yesterday my master teacher had to ask a kid to stop staring at the sun. Later that day the same kid took a break from chewing a chunk of carpet long enough to declare to the class that he could "run fast, like a dinosaur cheetah." Tell me he doesn't sound strung out.

Still not convinced? Consider a conversation I overheard today between two students. Let's call them Billy and Matt.

Billy: "My dad is taller than your dad."
Matt: "No he's not. My dad is gigantic."
Billy: "Oh yeah? Well, my dad is a monster. He can turn into a shark and go after your dad."
Matt: "My dad has a gun and can shoot your dad and kill him."

I rest my case.

Caption contest

Police seek blow-up doll sex bandit
Reuters (article excerpt) - January 7, 2009

An Australian man broke into three adult shops, had sex with blow up dolls named "Jungle Jane" and then dumped his plastic conquests in a nearby alley, local media reported Wednesday.

"It's totally bizarre. It's a real concern that someone like that is out on the street," said one of the owners of the adult sex shops in Cairns in northern Queensland state.

"He has been taking the dolls out the back and blowing them up and using the dolls and leaving them in the alley," the owner, who gave the name of Vogue, told the Cairns Post newspaper.


Okay ladies and gentlemen. It is time for More Rants than Raves' first caption contest! Here's how it works. I post a crazy news article and/or photo on this blog. Then, readers like you submit a caption (or captions) describing the article/photo. Go ahead and submit your caption now by clicking on the "comments" link below!

Techno wizardry

Feast your eyes on the worst/best music video ever made. Don't watch it too many times or you will become hypnotized and actually start to love the song. Trust me, I speak from experience.

The first annual Douche Bag Awards

The following post was composed by guest writer, Mrs. Sims.

The dictionary defines the term “douche bag” as: 1). A device used to introduce a stream of water into the body for medical or hygienic reasons; 2). A jerk; a mean or rude person; an idiot or dim-witted individual; a person who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence, and behaves ridiculously in front of others with no sense of how moronic he appears.

The world seems so full of douche bags these days that it is difficult to determine which of them deserve formal recognition. However, with the help of Mr. Sims, I have made the necessary critical decisions. It is time now to look back on 2008 and acknowledge each of these "men" with a Douche Bag Award, otherwise known as a “Mateo.”



Though the Mateos are not as prestigious as, say, the Oscars, I feel that the award communicates something even more important about its recipients. The following is a list of our picks for top five douche bags of 2008.

5. The Donald


Trump is what I like to call an old school douche bag. He was being a dick and gold plating his toilet seats before most of you reading this blog were even born. Trump causes women to become bulimic just by looking at them.

4. Jeff Probst


Not only is he condescending and insanely conceited, Probst also has a very limited vocabulary. For the past eight years of “Survivor,” Probst has introduced immunity challenges using the exact same phrasing: “Immunity: back up for grabs.” I have willed him to say something, anything, else but he will not use synonyms or any expression other than “up for grabs.” Probst is more interested in showcasing his own dimples, of which he is extremely fond, than in being a good TV host.

3. Joe Francis


Need I explain? This is the genius behind “Girls Gone Wild,” which, I believe, will always be remembered as the video series that marked the beginning of the apocalypse. Not only is this guy wrong on so many levels but, to top it off, he also dated the devil, or as she is more commonly known, Paris Hilton.

2. Jayden Smith


This kid is as spoiled as rotten milk. I’m not sure if Will Smith actually believes that arrogance is a virtue, but he sure seems to be proud that his son is growing up to be the most self-important, affected kid in Hollywood. Oh but wait, have you seen how talented young Jayden is? Oh my! And he doesn’t even have any technical training. Yeah, I’m sure he really earned a leading film role in “The Pursuit of Happyness” and his parentage has nothing to do with it. If Jada and Will were more concerned with the fact that their son now believes that the word happiness is spelled with a “y” and less focused on cultivating an ego that is too large for Jayden’s small body, the world would be a better place.

1. Spencer Pratt


If this “The Hills” actor(?) has a soul, it is as pale and unclean as the facial skirt he calls a beard. Spencer’s vicious idiocy is painful to watch. What kind of person marries his girlfriend, whom he also manages, as a publicity stunt? MTV must be proud to have a true diva back on the airwaves, but if this catty bitch doesn’t get knocked down to size soon, God help us all.

Honorable Mention: Summer’s Eve


I know what you’re thinking. Where’s Mario Lopez on this list? While AC Slater is a moderate douche bag, he technically falls under the category of “tool” or “grade A beefcake,” which earns him an entirely different award.

M-Lo


Special Category DBs
The following douche bags have been awarded category-specific acknowledgment.

Super Sleazy DB: Pat O’Brien
Likable DB: Dane Cook
“Musician” DB: Kid Rock
Roided Out DB: Carrot Top
Cheating DB: Charlie Sheen
On the Verge of being a DB DB: William Shatner

Feel free to add your own nominations as a comment. All douche bag nominees will be considered for the Douche Bag Lifetime Achievement Award.

Are you a racist?

In one of my classes last year I was given a test to determine weather or not I was a racist. This might seem odd, but that's just because you don't know my crazy-ass teacher. Anyway, out of the 30 people in my class I was one of only two students that "passed" (that is to say my results showed that I do not have any racial bias). The problem is that the rest of the class failed.

Needless to say, everyone freaked out and the class dissolved into chaos as each person attempted to explain the test's flaws and inaccuracies. The best excuse came from my teacher (who's results stated that she was moderately racist). She said that the test was biased because she is left-handed. In her defense, the test was designed by scientists from only four major universities (including Harvard and Yale) and is funded by the so-called "National Institute of Mental Health." Everyone knows that those organizations are dubious and biased against lefties.

If you would like to take the test for yourself simply click the link below. When you are routed to a new page click the link that says "I wish to proceed" (at the bottom right). Finally, click on the test entitled "Race IAT*" and get ready to start making excuses.



*The site offers a bunch of other interesting tests as well.

Everything must go!

It's the end of 2008 and it's time to clear out all of my old blog ideas. I keep a running list of potential posts and in order to prepare for the new year I have decided to compile them all together and post them here for your entertainment pleasure.

Lemming suicide is fiction
Contrary to popular belief, lemmings don't commit suicide by running off of cliffs. The myth was created by a Disney filmmaker that herded them off of a cliff for a nature "documentary."

Kid Rock is a joke
Watch as one man systematically destroys Kid Rock's latest music video.

GOOG-411
Free 411 from any phone. This service will also send you a text message with the number and address of any business.

The new thing
The Whitest Kids You Know have started a trend. I am definitely trying this out the next time I hang out with a group of friends.

Yet another joke

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the driver, "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here."

The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"

The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.

"Two miles down the road, you were going to say, "I wish that cop would have tried that shit with me!"

Sticky?

I am smack in the middle of finals so I hope you will excuse the lack of posts as of late. Please do enjoy this classic clip from "The Soup." I have watched it at least a dozen times and I swear it never gets old.

More riddles

1. Two fathers and two sons go fishing. Each of them catches one fish but they bring home only three fish. Why?

2. Everyone removes their hat for me. Who am I?

3. I am black when bought, red when used and gray when discarded. What am I?

4. I belong to you, but most often I am used by others. What am I?

The answers are posted as a comment.

Life immitates art

Okay people, we have a problem. Exactly one day after I posted the joke about the alligator in the bar, the following article came out in the news:

Man arrives at bar with pet alligator; Cops called
Associated Press (article excerpt) - November 13, 2008

HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. – Heard the one about the guy who walked into a bar with an alligator? At Johnny's Saloon in Orange County, it was more than a joke early Saturday when a man arrived with his 3-foot pet gator on a leash.

By the time police and animal control officers arrived at Johnny's, the gator was in the man's vehicle in the parking lot. Officers followed him home, where another alligator was found, animal control spokesman Ryan Drabek said.

Both alligators were impounded and were being held Wednesday pending an investigation by the Department of Fish and Game, Drabek said.

I don't know which of my readers was in Huntington Beach yesterday but I feel that I must express my concern. Please do not attempt to imitate anything posted on this blog. I do not want to be responsible for anyone's junk being bitten off by an alligator, or a squirrel for that matter (see post Would you rather . . .). I am starting to see a pretty disturbing theme developing within my blog.

Bar joke

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator's mouth and put my balls inside, leave 'em there for five minutes, then remove 'em unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?" The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and puts his balls into the alligator's mouth. The gator then closes his mouth as the crowd gasps.

After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of his head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals - unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered. "Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd. After a few seconds, a guy in the bar speaks up. "I'll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."

My gift to you

Looking for a gift that will knock the socks off of your loved ones this holiday season? I present to you the perfect present: a poster of everyone’s favorite cheeseburger-inhaling alcoholic, David Hasselhoff. He is selling posters of himself on his website and as you can see from this example, they are pretty dang sweet.



Click here to check out the whole assortment.

A great moment in history

November 4th, 2008 will undoubtedly go down in history as a day on which people put aside their petty differences and came together to focus on what is really important. It is a day that people will look back on with feelings of honor and pride. I am speaking of course about the fact that on November 4th, 2008 - I got to meet Joel McHale.





My wife Debbie and I went to see him perform his stand-up routine and it was fantastic. He talked for an hour and a half and I laughed so hard I cried a little.

After the show we got to meet him and I am happy to report that he is a really nice guy. We talked for a while and before we left he recorded the outgoing message on my cell phone's voice mail. Sweet!

A true Lego maniac

Check out this photo from Jean-Charles de Castelbajac's latest "high fashion" clothing line. His Lego themed garments were shown at this year's Fashion Week in Paris.



Jean-Charles' line inspired me to create a high fashion concept of my own. I now present to you "He-Man couture."

Halloween costumes

Every year the National Retail Federation publishes a list of the most popular Halloween costumes in the US. Here are this year's results.

Top Children's Costumes 2008

1. Princess (generic)
2. Witch
3. Hannah Montana
4. Spider-Man
5. Pirate
6. "Star Wars" character
7. Pumpkin/Jack o' Lantern
8. Batman
9. Princess (Disney)
10. Tie between Ghost & Athlete/Sports Figure

Top Adult's Costumes 2008

1. Witch
2. Pirate
3. Vampire
4. Cat
5. Tie between Fairy & Nurse
6. Tie between Batman & Political Figure (McCain, Obama, Palin)
7. Ghost
8. Angel
9. Tie between Clown & Wench/Tart/Vixen
10. Tie between Sports Figure, French Maid & Queen

Top Pet's Costumes 2008

1. Pumpkin/Jack o' Lantern
2. Devil
3. Witch
4. Princess
5. Tie between Hot Dog & Superman
6. Bee
7. Bow Tie/Fancy collar
8. Ghost
9. Black Cat
10. Tie between Angel & Reindeer/Deer

Schwarzenegger + Japanese TV = awesome!

Optical illusions

Is this an old woman or a young lady? Look closely.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you stare at the "+" sign the pink dot will turn green.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The two objects below are exactly the same size.

Bar-tailed godwhat?

This is amazing. Scientists just discovered that a bird known as the "bar-tailed godwit" can fly up to eight days straight without stopping. The bird they were tracking flew from Alaska to New Zealand (7,270 miles) day and night without stopping to sleep or eat!

Random Rants

Random things that piss me off:

1. When I hold the door open for someone while entering a restaurant or fast food place and they walk right through and get in line in front of me.

2. Healthy people that are judgmental. I see the disgusted look you are giving me while I sip my 44 ounce mega-soda. Back off - I need it to live.

3. Competitive license plate frames/bumper stickers. "My dog is smarter than your honor student" comes to mind. I saw a license plate frame the other day that said "World's Best Grandma". Oh really? Well step off fool because my grandma's a saint. How do you even go about quantifying a statement like that? What are we basing the title on? Baking skills? Hugging stamina? Overall strength? Physical attractiveness?

That settles it. I'm going out tomorrow and buying a "Best Grandma in the Known Universe" bumper sticker.

Best headline ever

Mom brings rabid bat to school, lets kids touch it
Associated Press - October 7, 2008

About 90 elementary school students in Montana have started a series of rabies shots after a parent let them touch a dead bat that was later confirmed to be diseased.

The mother of two students gave presentations in five classrooms and allowed the kids to touch the dead bat last week. She offered each student who touched the bat a sanitary wipe.

The exposed students will receive six shots of anti-rabies vaccine.

Stevensville Elementary School officials say they will use liability insurance to pay up to $70,000 for the exposed children to be vaccinated. The overall cost could surpass $150,000.

The school has since set a policy requiring that anyone visiting the school obtain a visitor pass.

Top 5 ethnic groups (+ worst ever)

Woah. I cannot believe that you are reading this post. I wrote this as a joke but obviously the title caught your eye and you were curious to see what my views are. You were probably thinking to yourself "does he hate the same races as me?". The answer to that is a resounding "no" (unless you don't hate any races at all and then my answer would be "yes, I don't hate any races too - except for marathons, those things seem like way too much work").

Anyway, I pride myself as being color blind. Not really color blind, I mean I'm not a freak (sorry to my brother Aaron, my grandpa, and my friends Pete and Jim - I love you all despite your embarrassing handicap). What I mean to say is that I don't see the color of people's skin. You could line up a group of people from all over the world and ask me to identify their color and I would literally answer something like ". . . blue?".

This all reminds me of a joke:

Q: What do you call a black guy who flies a plane?

A: A pilot, you freaking racist.

Looks like somebody needs to take a long hard look at themselves.

Chuck Norris facts

Okay so I know these have been around forever but I still think they are worth posting. I scoured the intraweb for the best ones so I hope you enjoy.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table - he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

Happy day

I want to go back to Belize!

Riddles

1. The first person made me but did not use me. The second person bought me and sold me. The third person used me but never saw me. What am I?

2. The faster you run, the harder I am to catch. What am I?

3. A mouth and sometimes a fork, sometimes I am fed but I never eat. What am I?

4. A cowboy rode into town on Friday, stayed three days, and rode out again on Friday. How did he do it?

The answers are posted as a comment.

Hey Crackhead

A friend of a friend recently introduced me to the Best of Craigslist - online personal ads that have been voted by viewers to be especially amusing/ entertaining. I've posted one of my favorites below. It's really long, but well worth checking out. (That's what she said.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted to SF Bay Area Craigslist 03-27-2004

Hey Crackhead

Yes, you. You sick f*cker. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.

Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.

Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how f*cked up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night.

But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.

This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."

OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't understand is,

YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?

I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the f*cking saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?

Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid.

I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically California Street. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of engineering shit, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude.

Here are my options as I see them:

1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that one, it was his idea.

2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and shit, but it's not like anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.

3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.

In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about it.

Sincerely,
Matt

*** If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please disregard this posting ***

Technology is not for everyone

Recently a company named Robert Half Technology conducted a survey in which they asked technical support agents across the US to share the most odd help requests they have received.

Here are some of the actual questions asked of them:

"Can you reset the Internet for me?"

"Where can I get software to track UFOs?"

"My computer is telling me to press any key to continue. Where is the 'any' key?"

And my personal favorite:

"How do I get my computer's coffee-cup holder to come out again?" (The person had confused their CD-ROM drive with a drink holder.)

Truly breathtaking*

*Awesome title, I know.

I was watching Regis & Kelly last Friday and I saw a man named Tom Sietas break the world record for a person holding their breath underwater. He was submerged for 17 minutes and 19 seconds (approximately 17 minutes more than I can hold my breath)! Adding to the excitement is the fact that he beat the previous record held by douche bag extraordinaire David Blaine.





It should be noted that Kevin Costner is challenging the ruling. He is upset because he has been forbidden to compete for the record due to the fact that he has gills.

Top 5 comedians (+ worst ever)

1. [redacted]*
2. [redacted]*
3. [redacted]*
4. [redacted]*
5. [redacted]*

Worst: [redacted]*

*Sorry, I'm working in comedy now and can't afford to play favorites!

More pick-up lines

If you were words on a page, you'd be fine print.

Hey baby, you've got something on your butt: my eyes.

I'm like chocolate pudding, I look like shit but I'm as sweet as can be.

Somebody call Animal Control because I just spotted a fox!

Celine Dion should be drowned

According to an old In Touch magazine I found lying around my house (my primary source for all news) Celine Dion used 6.5 million gallons of water in her Florida home last year. I did some research and found that according to the U.S. Geological Survey the average American uses approximately 33,000 gallons of water per year. Just what in the hell is Celine doing with the extra 6,467,000 gallons?! Her lawyer says that there was a "broken pipe" that went unnoticed for the better part of a year. That settles it - I'm officially moving her to the top of my "People to Kill" list.

Give me a C-R-A-Z-Y!

Mom allegedly uses daughter's ID to be cheerleader
Associated Press (article excerpt) - September 12, 2007

A 33-year-old woman is charged with stealing her daughter's identity to attend high school and join the cheerleading team. Wendy Brown, of Green Bay, faces a felony identity theft charge after enrolling in Ashwaubenon High School as her 15-year-old daughter, who lives in Nevada with Brown's mother.

"The defendant stated she wanted to get her high school degree and be a cheerleader because she had no childhood and was trying to regain a part of her life she missed," according to the complaint.

She allegedly attended cheerleading practices before school started, received a cheerleader's locker and went to a pool party at the cheerleading coach's house.

A high school employee, Kim Demeny, told authorities that the woman, posing at the teen, seemed very timid, told her she was not good in math and even cried when she talked about moving from Pahrump Valley High School in Pahrump, Nev. Demeny said she looked older than a student, but he believed her demeanor was consistent with that of a high school girl.

A school liaison officer started investigating Monday after Brown only showed up for the first day of classes last week, the complaint said.

The complaint also said the $134.50 check Brown gave to the cheerleading coach for her uniform bounced.

If convicted, she could face up to six years in prison and a $10,000 fine.